I’m back at my parent’s house for the weekend. For the first time in (probably) my life, I was hit with a huge sense of nostalgia while I was sitting alone on my bed. This room has seen me pack for my first sleepover, get my first cell phone, cry over cheesy pop songs, go to a single high school dance, and decide what college to attend. I’m sitting on the same bed, beginning my last week as a teenager, still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I’m turning 20 in six days, but I feel younger than ever.
No, I am not filled with carefree happiness and boundless hope in the possibilities life has to offer. It’s nothing that wonderful.
I feel like a child in a world of adults. I feel overwhelmed. I question the respect adults seem to have for me. I feel undeserving of the responsibility I now have for not only my life, but for the goings-on in the lives of others. Most of all, I feel unprepared for the future. I feel green, I feel stupid, and I feel very, very confused.
My Commercial Law professor spoke about how he believes some students in his class should seriously consider law school. He was looking at me. My freshman year, my Business Law professor told me the same thing. There are kids out there who want to attend law school more than anything, but here I am, practically having law school thrown at me and still unwilling to take any definitive steps in either direction. I’ve heard that I should write for a living more times than I can count. At the end of the semester, my Financial Accounting professor gave me a pretty meaningful handshake. Everyone wants me to become something great and I just want to stay in college forever, taking classes and avoiding the moment when I will have to finally turn my back on all paths but one.
Is my unrelenting indecisiveness about major life decisions a punishment for having so many incredible options? Do I really deserve to have all this ability and no drive to make something of it?