I had a bit of a realization this afternoon: I am terrified of being seen as romantically desirable. I’m doing partner lifts with a guy in my dance classes and he got my phone number today so we could work on some new things. We were joking around via text and he managed to work “you’ll be beautiful” into the conversation. Did he mean it casually? Probably. Was I flattered? Definitely not. [Am I going to stop being a question talker? Not today.] I still interpreted it as some sort of a compliment and it scared me.
In academia and in my professional life, I am allowed to never stop running. I can chase my goals forever and if I get too close to achieving them, I can make bigger, better goals and start reaching for those instead. I can devote myself to constant improvement and live knowing I’ve never quite gotten everything I can and that excites me.
But what if I never want the chase to end in my love life either? What if I never “get there” because actually reaching some goal of mutual romantic interest isn’t what I want in the first place? Of course I theoretically want my feelings for another to be returned, but so far in my life, I become completely uninterested the moment something may start getting serious. I’m sure the guys I’ve pined over weren’t right for me in the first place, but who knows who I’ll start passing up if I continue like this. I might regret passing up some quality guys one day, but there’s a serious chance that even regret feels better than stagnancy. I may end up alone simply because the the idea of others wanting to be with me seems like something that should only be worked for, not attained.
If the thrill really is in the chase, how will I know when to stop?